四年后的今天。。。

很快的，四年过了，可现在的我还是无法面对她。
比起往年，今年有了一些我意想不到的改变，就是她来找我了。
她对我说的第一句话，让我感到不知所措，因为她向我说了一声对不起。
当我听到这一句，它令我感叹万分，也令我哭笑不得。

一句平凡的对不起，左右了我的心情，同时还让我欢喜让我忧。
一句平凡的对不起，真让我感触良多，以往的种种浮现在脑海。
一句平凡的对不起，令我回首过去，也唤醒了心中的罪恶感。
在接下来的日子，我忽喜忽忧，算不上是喜怒无常却也令人担忧。

回首四年前与四年后，我还是无法原谅我自己。
我对你所做过的一切，是我这一生最大的遗憾。
无论如何，罪恶感始终存在。
不管什么，它将无法被弥补。

又过了一个没有你的日子...

很快的又过了一天,只能说没有你的日子好难过...
听说你最近心情不好,有点乱, 有点慌,可是我却不在你身旁...
为了什么??? 我不大清楚,虽然我很想知道,可是我尊重你的私人权...

你懂得把握就是思念,你不懂得把握就只能怀念...
思念和怀念总在一线之间, 而我就是那个只能怀念的人...
怀念一点也不好玩,它能左右你的思想和性格...
就如人所说的情绪化,随时随地都有可能会改变...

可是当一个人没有了怀念,它很可能变的什么都不是...
他将变的如同一无所有,和倾家荡产没啥分别...
为什么呢??? 道理很简单,因为他失去了他的目标...
甚至于那是他的生活动力,没了它,就好比世界末日已经发生了...

最近的妳, 还好吗???

Happy Day...

Today is my happy day, is not because of anything best done to me but i receive a suprise this morning... Anyone can guess it??? Haha... you are right, is a dream... why today i say is special because she appear in my dream again, suprisingly she appear TWICE today... Muahahahaha!!!!! by the way, because i din write down the content immediately, i'm not able to recall any content now... how sad... T.T


but anyway stil very happy... hahahaha

Once again, 7th times..

Today is the 7th time i dream bout her, but too bad that i un remember any of the content...
haiz... i just only can question myself, when only my dream can come true???

13 Days After...

After 13 days, no news can be follow up after that day. I realize that I miss you more than usual, I can't even answer myself what is happening after that.

Frankly speaking i was thinking to make an ending after that day, because I thinking you are really not welcome me. Therefore I think to stop, but unfortunely it is just a piece of word from my mouth only. Untill today, I only understand that I will never make it, it is so hard and it is a thing that i wont do it at all. The situation is just like a tree, it will never remove unless I burn the whole thing and I was thinking that if this really happen maybe there is the time I should end my life. Is not I can't but I don't want to do it, like i said it is my only "property".

The more I saw the more I think,
The more I think the more I Miss.
Without surprise I will dream for the 7th times and more.

However, anyone can give me an idea/solution what should I going to do next. I got no idea what should I do for following step, should I just disappear like this? or I need to do more? for example?

Stress...

Stress... I am really stress...
Now my life is full with stress...
I couldn't stand it anymore,
but what can I do to cure this???

I don't know why, start from yesterday onward i am really stress... I stress without reason, I stress without purpose... I was curious, I was wondering what is happen to me... This condition is never happen on me, but why now this is happen... i was thinking, should i continue living??? I can't find the meaning of living instead, but why should i stay alive??? Haiz~~~

"I can even get one for you which is the style that you like the most, but I can't... I know you wont allow, and i can't even offer to you... I want to cry, but why i can't do so... Is it because i am a male??? or I cannot do so.... Reason is???"

What I have done???

Through out this few years, I am totally no idea about what is happen to her within this period. I jealous my friend because they can stil see those who they love, they got plenty of way to meet, see, chat with their beloved. But, why i don't have??? Why i got to stay lonely??? Why no one can help me in this??? Sometime i feel that I am a Dangerous person, because I can have different face when i face different people in different situation. I told myself, if one day something serious is happen on me, I believe I stil can smile and act like nothing is happening. Sometime I quite agree with what my friend told me, he say I am a cold blood monster (No Emotion). Don't you feel that's is scary??? But I feel it is scary.

Since I don't know about her, I create my own way to know about it. Not spying, No private inspector, but only my brain. If i want to know anything, i analize myself. Sounds ridiculous right??? but it is true, this is what am i doing in the past 24/7 in order to know about her. Since last year, she start to edit her shoutout daily. This is the sources i use to analize her emotion daily, through the way she type, I can read her feeling on that day. Although I cannot guaranty it is 100% accurate, but I believe the accuracy is 80%-90%. In February 11, 2009, she reused her space to blog again. This is a great news for me and it is another new source to know her more. After that day, I follow her blog daily. I think i can consider myself as a loyal blog follower, because i checking it at least 3 hours to follow the latest post. I copy down each new post and shoutout to further analize it (want to learn how i make it???).

Today, Jull 13, 2009. Early morning i click on her post to see any further renew on content and coment or not, i only realize. I being Block by her, I can't read her blog without her authority. I was shock, in begining i though it wan just an accident. I keep trying to access for whole morning, I knew it, I almost cry. At the end, I told myself it might just a accident, or maybe something wrong to MSN server or my com. So i send her a message request for authority to read her blog, and I go have a shower to attend one appoinment with doctor, to get some treatment for my leg. After i done everything and back at night, I try again but I still couldn't access to it. I thought she not yet approve so Ijust wait for it. While waiting, I found out she update her shoutout and request for help. so I type a message on her notes and i get reply after 30 minute. The message that she reply is really make me shock, after I rad through that notes I only realize that she is purposely block me from viewing her blog.

I couldn't understand why she do so, I keep asking myself what I've done. How come she will so angry with me until block me away, i stil remember in the block she wrote that her mum is not around and she is not happy. I wrote her a comment to cheer her up, I still remember the content is

"hey gal, relax and take it easy... I know you can handle it..."

few hours later she change her shoutout

"u asked me why i dont smile.. the answer is simple.. because i'm unhappy and i don't think its funny at all!!!"

I believe I being block by her after she post this shoutout, but i feel my comment is nothing to do with this. I really couldn't understand what is happening, everything is come so sudden and make my mind blank for quite a long time.

Anyone can answer me,
What I have done???
What I have done that make her so angry with me when i din do anything???

Anyone???