After 13 days, no news can be follow up after that day. I realize that I miss you more than usual, I can't even answer myself what is happening after that.
Frankly speaking i was thinking to make an ending after that day, because I thinking you are really not welcome me. Therefore I think to stop, but unfortunely it is just a piece of word from my mouth only. Untill today, I only understand that I will never make it, it is so hard and it is a thing that i wont do it at all. The situation is just like a tree, it will never remove unless I burn the whole thing and I was thinking that if this really happen maybe there is the time I should end my life. Is not I can't but I don't want to do it, like i said it is my only "property".
The more I saw the more I think,
The more I think the more I Miss.
Without surprise I will dream for the 7th times and more.
However, anyone can give me an idea/solution what should I going to do next. I got no idea what should I do for following step, should I just disappear like this? or I need to do more? for example?
Monday 27 July 2009
Tuesday 14 July 2009
Stress...
Stress... I am really stress...
Now my life is full with stress...
I couldn't stand it anymore,
but what can I do to cure this???
I don't know why, start from yesterday onward i am really stress... I stress without reason, I stress without purpose... I was curious, I was wondering what is happen to me... This condition is never happen on me, but why now this is happen... i was thinking, should i continue living??? I can't find the meaning of living instead, but why should i stay alive??? Haiz~~~
"I can even get one for you which is the style that you like the most, but I can't... I know you wont allow, and i can't even offer to you... I want to cry, but why i can't do so... Is it because i am a male??? or I cannot do so.... Reason is???"
Now my life is full with stress...
I couldn't stand it anymore,
but what can I do to cure this???
I don't know why, start from yesterday onward i am really stress... I stress without reason, I stress without purpose... I was curious, I was wondering what is happen to me... This condition is never happen on me, but why now this is happen... i was thinking, should i continue living??? I can't find the meaning of living instead, but why should i stay alive??? Haiz~~~
"I can even get one for you which is the style that you like the most, but I can't... I know you wont allow, and i can't even offer to you... I want to cry, but why i can't do so... Is it because i am a male??? or I cannot do so.... Reason is???"
What I have done???
Through out this few years, I am totally no idea about what is happen to her within this period. I jealous my friend because they can stil see those who they love, they got plenty of way to meet, see, chat with their beloved. But, why i don't have??? Why i got to stay lonely??? Why no one can help me in this??? Sometime i feel that I am a Dangerous person, because I can have different face when i face different people in different situation. I told myself, if one day something serious is happen on me, I believe I stil can smile and act like nothing is happening. Sometime I quite agree with what my friend told me, he say I am a cold blood monster (No Emotion). Don't you feel that's is scary??? But I feel it is scary.
Since I don't know about her, I create my own way to know about it. Not spying, No private inspector, but only my brain. If i want to know anything, i analize myself. Sounds ridiculous right??? but it is true, this is what am i doing in the past 24/7 in order to know about her. Since last year, she start to edit her shoutout daily. This is the sources i use to analize her emotion daily, through the way she type, I can read her feeling on that day. Although I cannot guaranty it is 100% accurate, but I believe the accuracy is 80%-90%. In February 11, 2009, she reused her space to blog again. This is a great news for me and it is another new source to know her more. After that day, I follow her blog daily. I think i can consider myself as a loyal blog follower, because i checking it at least 3 hours to follow the latest post. I copy down each new post and shoutout to further analize it (want to learn how i make it???).
Today, Jull 13, 2009. Early morning i click on her post to see any further renew on content and coment or not, i only realize. I being Block by her, I can't read her blog without her authority. I was shock, in begining i though it wan just an accident. I keep trying to access for whole morning, I knew it, I almost cry. At the end, I told myself it might just a accident, or maybe something wrong to MSN server or my com. So i send her a message request for authority to read her blog, and I go have a shower to attend one appoinment with doctor, to get some treatment for my leg. After i done everything and back at night, I try again but I still couldn't access to it. I thought she not yet approve so Ijust wait for it. While waiting, I found out she update her shoutout and request for help. so I type a message on her notes and i get reply after 30 minute. The message that she reply is really make me shock, after I rad through that notes I only realize that she is purposely block me from viewing her blog.
I couldn't understand why she do so, I keep asking myself what I've done. How come she will so angry with me until block me away, i stil remember in the block she wrote that her mum is not around and she is not happy. I wrote her a comment to cheer her up, I still remember the content is
"hey gal, relax and take it easy... I know you can handle it..."
few hours later she change her shoutout
"u asked me why i dont smile.. the answer is simple.. because i'm unhappy and i don't think its funny at all!!!"
I believe I being block by her after she post this shoutout, but i feel my comment is nothing to do with this. I really couldn't understand what is happening, everything is come so sudden and make my mind blank for quite a long time.
Anyone can answer me,
What I have done???
What I have done that make her so angry with me when i din do anything???
Anyone???
Since I don't know about her, I create my own way to know about it. Not spying, No private inspector, but only my brain. If i want to know anything, i analize myself. Sounds ridiculous right??? but it is true, this is what am i doing in the past 24/7 in order to know about her. Since last year, she start to edit her shoutout daily. This is the sources i use to analize her emotion daily, through the way she type, I can read her feeling on that day. Although I cannot guaranty it is 100% accurate, but I believe the accuracy is 80%-90%. In February 11, 2009, she reused her space to blog again. This is a great news for me and it is another new source to know her more. After that day, I follow her blog daily. I think i can consider myself as a loyal blog follower, because i checking it at least 3 hours to follow the latest post. I copy down each new post and shoutout to further analize it (want to learn how i make it???).
Today, Jull 13, 2009. Early morning i click on her post to see any further renew on content and coment or not, i only realize. I being Block by her, I can't read her blog without her authority. I was shock, in begining i though it wan just an accident. I keep trying to access for whole morning, I knew it, I almost cry. At the end, I told myself it might just a accident, or maybe something wrong to MSN server or my com. So i send her a message request for authority to read her blog, and I go have a shower to attend one appoinment with doctor, to get some treatment for my leg. After i done everything and back at night, I try again but I still couldn't access to it. I thought she not yet approve so Ijust wait for it. While waiting, I found out she update her shoutout and request for help. so I type a message on her notes and i get reply after 30 minute. The message that she reply is really make me shock, after I rad through that notes I only realize that she is purposely block me from viewing her blog.
I couldn't understand why she do so, I keep asking myself what I've done. How come she will so angry with me until block me away, i stil remember in the block she wrote that her mum is not around and she is not happy. I wrote her a comment to cheer her up, I still remember the content is
"hey gal, relax and take it easy... I know you can handle it..."
few hours later she change her shoutout
"u asked me why i dont smile.. the answer is simple.. because i'm unhappy and i don't think its funny at all!!!"
I believe I being block by her after she post this shoutout, but i feel my comment is nothing to do with this. I really couldn't understand what is happening, everything is come so sudden and make my mind blank for quite a long time.
Anyone can answer me,
What I have done???
What I have done that make her so angry with me when i din do anything???
Anyone???
Saturday 4 July 2009
I have a Dream...
At midnight of 3rd of July, I have a dream.
A dream that refresh my memory,
A dream that cure my "pain" for a moment.
Who was in that dream???
Whoelse??? Of Course is The Only ONE~~~
Honest to say I dun really like to dream, because human can't store dream for long time. once you woke up from bed, 80%-90% of the content will be missing. That's wasn't a good feeling right??? Otherwise, most of the dream, when it comes to the best part or the moment that you wait for long long time, you will be AWAKE and you will say NOOOOOO~~~ because your "story line" is being stop and it can't continue anymore. F***
However, although I just can remember part of the dream but I like it a lots because in the story in that dream is a thing that i want to do since long time ago, but due to no opportunities and I got no guts to do it so it was kept in my heart for long long time.
The content is:
I was a secret agent assign by federal goverment.
One day, I receive a "project" and the job is really dangerous until i got to sacrify anytime... (Sounds ridiculous ya... haha) So before I die i want to settle down everything that i not yet done, therefore i date her out in a very nice restaurant. I wear formally and they are few agent come along with me, I choose a place and wait for her. It is mixture of feeling at that moment, Happy, Sad, Nervous and etc. Finally, she is coming. OMG!!! She is stil so beautiful as usual and she appear like an angel. I stand up and serve her for sit and order some drinks. after few conversation I straight get in to main title. I explain to her what I did previously and the reason i do so, it is take for quite a long time. At the end i apologize about it, I stand up and bow then i walk away because i not really think that she will forgive me. I just can say what I do previously is really ridiculous and it is over the limit, therefore if she din forgive me i just can blame myself. However, atlaest i already told her and explain about it. While i walk away, someone is draging my hand and i was shock, i stop moving and turn see who is the one pulling my hand. suprisingly is she, she pull my hand. i was shock and "stone" right there for quite sometime. afterward, She walk along with me. we walk for quite sometimes, i turn myself, hug her. My tears is drop at the same time, i kissed her forehead. Then i walk away and go for my project.
I wake up on time, and this is what i still remember.
haiz...
A dream that refresh my memory,
A dream that cure my "pain" for a moment.
Who was in that dream???
Whoelse??? Of Course is The Only ONE~~~
Honest to say I dun really like to dream, because human can't store dream for long time. once you woke up from bed, 80%-90% of the content will be missing. That's wasn't a good feeling right??? Otherwise, most of the dream, when it comes to the best part or the moment that you wait for long long time, you will be AWAKE and you will say NOOOOOO~~~ because your "story line" is being stop and it can't continue anymore. F***
However, although I just can remember part of the dream but I like it a lots because in the story in that dream is a thing that i want to do since long time ago, but due to no opportunities and I got no guts to do it so it was kept in my heart for long long time.
The content is:
I was a secret agent assign by federal goverment.
One day, I receive a "project" and the job is really dangerous until i got to sacrify anytime... (Sounds ridiculous ya... haha) So before I die i want to settle down everything that i not yet done, therefore i date her out in a very nice restaurant. I wear formally and they are few agent come along with me, I choose a place and wait for her. It is mixture of feeling at that moment, Happy, Sad, Nervous and etc. Finally, she is coming. OMG!!! She is stil so beautiful as usual and she appear like an angel. I stand up and serve her for sit and order some drinks. after few conversation I straight get in to main title. I explain to her what I did previously and the reason i do so, it is take for quite a long time. At the end i apologize about it, I stand up and bow then i walk away because i not really think that she will forgive me. I just can say what I do previously is really ridiculous and it is over the limit, therefore if she din forgive me i just can blame myself. However, atlaest i already told her and explain about it. While i walk away, someone is draging my hand and i was shock, i stop moving and turn see who is the one pulling my hand. suprisingly is she, she pull my hand. i was shock and "stone" right there for quite sometime. afterward, She walk along with me. we walk for quite sometimes, i turn myself, hug her. My tears is drop at the same time, i kissed her forehead. Then i walk away and go for my project.
I wake up on time, and this is what i still remember.
haiz...
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